My Playstation has turned Tyler and I into 13 year old siblings lashing out at each other in all the right ways.
So…. I had sex with my close friend’s roommate. How was your weekend??
Today, for the first time in three years, I bought a new pair of jeans.
I am devastated.
I woke up this morning at an ungodly hour for a day off. My first inclination was to stay in bed all day and, in all honesty, not eat. But instead, I decided I wanted some retail therapy and to blow my grocery money (a mere $20) on something to help me feel good about myself. My wardrobe is made up entirely of “sick” clothes. Clothes that by all rights I should not be able to fit into. I am not 100 lbs anymore and haven’t been for a long time now. But I still haven’t let go of what that number stands for.
I went to T.J. Maxx, the site where I had my first realization that I had an eating disorder my freshmen year of college. Now, a 24 year old woman, I knew as I walked in the store that this would probably ruin my day off. Sure enough, I left the fitting room with the familiar chokehold on my throat that had seized me 6 years ago. But instead of running out and crying to my mother on the phone, I bought some soup and Christmas chocolate and walked home. I cried all the way. I cried when I got home. I ate the soup, I ate chocolate, and I went to sleep for 6 hours. I woke up, and now I’m crying some more.
Anorexia is a disease. It is an addiction, and when you choose recovery, you have to deal with symptoms of withdrawal. Addiction tames you before it hurts you. As awful as it makes you feel, it also makes you feel high and invincible. Nothing can touch you. I miss that. I miss feeling like I had skin made of steel. Now I just feel ripped open and vulnerable with mangled guts for anyone to sink their hands into.
So yes, I am devastated. I know that is a strong word to use in regards to the simple act of buying new clothes. But to someone with an eating disorder, it’s not just a pair of jeans. It is a scarlet letter burning, ”I’m not good enough.” Now they’re sitting untouched in a bag at the end of my bed waiting to see if I’ll be strong enough not to return them and exchange them for bad habits.
What hurts the most is that I’m not some random, drunk girl you accidentally hooked up with one night. I am your friend. Was, may be a more appropriate word now. This is not how you treat your friend. If you’re rejecting me, then for fucks sake just do it. I will eventually move on. But I cannot handle this perpetual limbo you’ve cast me off into. It hurts too much.
I am so tired of people telling me they love me and that I am an amazing girl, and yet don’t back it up. Dan, Zack, and now Greg. If I’m so wonderful, then why are you treating me like shit? I’m starting to think that maybe I’m the problem… which is absolutely crazy because I have done nothing wrong! I am beautiful and smart and talented, and do not deserve to be treated this way. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a girl as amazing as me.
I adore when I read a used book and parts are underlined. It’s like the book’s previous owner left a little piece of themselves behind and what meant something to them.
I never know when to bluff and keep my hand to myself or lay out all the cards…
I’m ready to cast 2013 back into the fiery depths of Mordor from whence it came.
I love my best friend Tyler. I have been so spoiled having him here for the past two months. I forgot how much I missed seeing him on a daily basis. It’s been like no time has passed. We’ve been attached at the hip. I come home to him after work. We take long walks together. We call each other every five seconds. We stay up late and talk all night. And the best thing is, he’s been sober for most of it. It’s been so… nice. And now he’s probably going back to Chicago, and as much as I want him to be happy, I like having him around. I feel normal around him. I don’t want him to go. :(
Aaron: “We’ve already made plans to see The Hobbit together… what’s next?? Marriage?!”
Me: “He’s gonna propose to you with the One Ring. I can already see it. And I’ll tell you not to wear it and that it’s evil, but you won’t listen. And then you’ll turn into a miserable Gollum-like creature and we’ll have to go to Mordor to destroy it. That’s love. Mount Doom”
Saturday is my 24th birthday. I want good things.
It’s gonna get better. It has to.
Today at work, a Keene high schooler asked me to prom with his ukulele. Then he asked me for a tip. This is the most male attention I’ve gotten in months. My love life, ladies and gentlemen.