Warmer weather is making regular appearances and all my body insecurities are blossoming.   



fatbodypolitics: Before and after photos are one of those things that frustrate the hell out of me when it comes to fatness and weight loss. Seeing so many people congratulated on no longer having a “before body” is part of this frustration since we are taught to be in awe of those people who have an “after body.” Before images are always framed as being worse than the after image, in relation to weight loss it is the after image that always triumphs the before. I don’t have a before body or even an after body; it’s a forever body. My body isn’t a failure and having an “after” image doesn’t make the before any less worthy / beautiful or as good of a body.  You all can guess at the things I did between the before and after. * There are numerous forms of before and after photos that don’t frame the before in a negative way but I have yet to see one with weight loss. This is awesome and so true. 

fatbodypolitics:

Before and after photos are one of those things that frustrate the hell out of me when it comes to fatness and weight loss. Seeing so many people congratulated on no longer having a “before body” is part of this frustration since we are taught to be in awe of those people who have an “after body.” Before images are always framed as being worse than the after image, in relation to weight loss it is the after image that always triumphs the before.

I don’t have a before body or even an after body; it’s a forever body. My body isn’t a failure and having an “after” image doesn’t make the before any less worthy / beautiful or as good of a body. 

You all can guess at the things I did between the before and after.

* There are numerous forms of before and after photos that don’t frame the before in a negative way but I have yet to see one with weight loss.

This is awesome and so true. 



National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

So if you didn’t know starting February 24th thru March 2nd is National Eating Disorder Week.  Obviously, this is an emotional thing for me.  I’d like to take these next seven days to reflect on what I’ve overcome.  Recovery will be a life-long journey for me.  My eating disorder will always be a part of my life, but it will never define who I am.  I won’t let it.

Ever since my relapse last semester, the battle between disease and recovery has been a draining one.  But I have an entire army of supports in family and friends.  It’s a small army; a fellowship, if you will.  But they keep me fighting.  They keep me strong.  They remind me that I am worthy of a pulse.  

But I have been having more bad body image days than I’d like this past month.  To give myself a moral boost in my recovery, I will be taking this wonderful recovery blog’s NEDA Week Challenge.  I believe I may be a day behind, but I encourage everyone to take part.  You don’t need to have an eating disorder to benefit from these challenges.  They are meant to celebrate the significance of the week, break down stigmas, and help promote a healthy lifestyle.  Give it a try with me!

Lots of love <3           



It’s never too late.

Today was bad.  I struggled a lot.  But guess what?  Today is not over, and there is still time for me to find some positivity and make the best of it.

Am I going to the gym tonight?  No.  I don’t feel like it.  It’s not going to make me happy.  So why should I go?  I will go tomorrow when I have cleared my head and am in a better mindset.  

So I am going to stay in.  I am going to fix myself some toast and jam, put on Snow Patrol’s “The Lightning Strikes”   (GO LISTEN, BTW), and brainstorm some new ways to keep my spirits up and think more positively in all aspects of my life.  School, body image, relationships, what have you.  I need to make some changes.  To be fair, I’ve been doing pretty well.  Optimism is a somewhat new thing for me, and even though it can be just as exhausting as pessimism, I like it.  Maybe if I looked on the bright side of life more, good things would happen.  

If you’re thinking, “Wow that’s a great attitude to have,” please know that even as I write this, I’m trying to convince myself that what I’m saying is true, and I am capable of every word of it.      



So tomorrow I’m meeting with my personal trainer to do a body and health assessment and I’m very nervous.  I don’t want to get weighed.  I don’t want to know the number and I’m embarrassed to have someone evaluate how gross I am.  Freaking out. :(  



Thoughts while walking…

May was my “let’s get acclimated with exercising on a semi-regular basis”, which I am happy to say that I have.  So now that I am accustomed to incorporating exercise into my day-to-day life, June will be the time where I turn it up a notch and really dedicate myself to making a permanent lifestyle change.  I’m not going to go crazy, especially since I eat at most 1200 calories a day.  But if I’m doing this, I want it to be permanent.  I want to be healthy, I want to be in shape, and most importantly, I want to be happy in my mind and my body.  I’m taking control of my life and my choices. 

I CAN DO THIS!!!!



I hate going to bed defeated

Especially when I have no reason to feel as such.  

I had a good day.  I watched True Blood, worked on an art project, went for a jog, ate well, etc.  There’s nothing I should feel guilty about.  It’s just whenever I look in the mirror in passing, I see my big ass flabby arms and feel like shit.

I want something.  I don’t know what it is though.  Comfort, maybe?  I don’t know.  I hate nights like these.     



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Feeling shitty, but not guilty

I forced myself to workout today.  I was feeling very lethargic because it’s that time of month, but I knew if I went 2 days in a row without working out, I’d feel like shit.  Well, I still feel like shit, just not a guilty shit.  I’m having such a hard time coping with the concept that I can lose weight and still eat.  I’ve never done it that way, and I keep telling myself that people do it everyday, but I make myself the exception.

I hate this stupid disease. :( 

Food Intake:

Exercise:



Will I ever be a saint for my sins?

I suddenly became very self-conscious of my eating disorder and depression today.  I’ve been in recovery for over a year, and in that time, I’ve learned to become very open with my past struggles with it.  I lost the desire and need to hide it over the coarse of this year.  It’s too tiresome to hide who you truly are.  I will never let it define me, but it is a part of who I am and I’m a better person for it.  

But today, I felt very self-conscious.  I mean, it’s not something I talk about regularly, but if something comes up that triggers a conversation, I’m open about it.  I’m not ashamed of it.  I guess I just wonder if they’re ashamed for me.

Maybe my pride and shame walk hand in hand. 



stophatingyourbody: I’ve been seeing a lot of ‘she looks so much better before!’ comments on this picture and it really grinds my gears. What if the ‘before’ picture was the skinny one, and they made her bigger? Would you still be saying she looks better before? I’ve seen people say that she looks ‘sick’ and ‘malnourished’ and ‘anorexic’. How is that any better than making fun of someone for being fat? The problem isn’t that they made her smaller. She would look beautiful either way. The problem is that they changed what she actually looks like, and made her look like something that’s not real. People who are saying she looks ‘better’ one way or the other are, like it or not, body shaming. She doesn’t look ‘better’ or ‘worse’ in either picture. She’s just completely misrepresented in one photo. One photo is fake. One photo has been manipulated. THAT is the problem. The problem is that they changed her. Doesn’t matter how, doesn’t matter if they made her bigger or smaller or tanner or paler. The point is that it’s not who she is, and that’s not fair. Be careful when you’re so quick to judge photos like this. Do not shame the people who are in the photos. Concentrate on the culture we live in that insists that these changes are necessary. ~Amber I would be furious if I were her.  I don&#8217;t know if they got her permission to photoshop her body so drastically, but often times editors don&#8217;t.  Without consent, I see this as a complete violation of one&#8217;s body, and I see no reason why not to press charges against it.  It is my body, and no one is allowed to do what they want with it without consent.     

stophatingyourbody:

I’ve been seeing a lot of ‘she looks so much better before!’ comments on this picture and it really grinds my gears.

What if the ‘before’ picture was the skinny one, and they made her bigger? Would you still be saying she looks better before? I’ve seen people say that she looks ‘sick’ and ‘malnourished’ and ‘anorexic’. How is that any better than making fun of someone for being fat?

The problem isn’t that they made her smaller. She would look beautiful either way. The problem is that they changed what she actually looks like, and made her look like something that’s not real.

People who are saying she looks ‘better’ one way or the other are, like it or not, body shaming. She doesn’t look ‘better’ or ‘worse’ in either picture. She’s just completely misrepresented in one photo. One photo is fake. One photo has been manipulated. THAT is the problem. The problem is that they changed her. Doesn’t matter how, doesn’t matter if they made her bigger or smaller or tanner or paler. The point is that it’s not who she is, and that’s not fair.

Be careful when you’re so quick to judge photos like this. Do not shame the people who are in the photos. Concentrate on the culture we live in that insists that these changes are necessary.

~Amber

I would be furious if I were her.  I don’t know if they got her permission to photoshop her body so drastically, but often times editors don’t.  Without consent, I see this as a complete violation of one’s body, and I see no reason why not to press charges against it.  It is my body, and no one is allowed to do what they want with it without consent.     



Finding Positivity

I had a GREAT workout today.  I went for an hour jog/walk listening to “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros literally on repeat the whole time.  That song just gets my heart pumping.  I found a really beautiful walking trail in Slater Park where I live next to that encircles a lake.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more peaceful than taking a walk and being enveloped by nature and listening to Helios.  It was lovely.        

I’m not feeling great about my body; that’s going to take some time.  But it feels really good to be doing something about it, knowing that if I keep this up, I’ll be back in shape and feeling good about myself physically and spiritually.  Being back at my mom’s is helping alot.  I’m not going to lie, having someone there to monitor my eating it somewhat of a relief.  I’m back to writing all my meals out on the fridge, having a specific time to exercise, and being mindful of my activities.  It feels pretty darn good.   

Another wonderful (or awful? haha) perk to being home is no alcohol.  I’m fairly certain that the increase in my alcohol consumption is mostly responsible for my weight gain.  It’ll be cleansing to take a little break from it.  

So here’s today’s results:

Food Intake:

Exercise Log:

All in all, a productive day! :)