Robert Carlyle and Emilie de Ravin on set of OUAT 8/20/2014 (x)
So I was just thinking about how I’m (probably) moving to Portland and meet new people, maybe even a potential new boyfriend. But as I was thinking that, my mind went even further into the future and thought how bad it would be to start something with someone because what if I wanted to move somewhere else after? What if an opportunity comes along? What if I want to try something completely new? I don’t think I want to build my life around anyone else besides me right now… and I don’t think I’ll want to in a year from now. The thought of not having everything wide open to me really scared me… I may get lonely and want someone to kiss and snuggle myself next to at night, but I’m glad I’m single.
I know I shouldn’t be complaining, but DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN this is the most uncomfortable bed I’ve ever (not) slept in. This bed offers no appeal to sleeping. If I wasn’t afraid of sleeping in houses alone then I would be on the couch in the living room in a heart beat.
This summer I lived up on Lake Winnipesaukee at my family’s summer cottage. I was fortunate enough to be offered a job working with one of my favorite mentors in college, Tim, at Winnipesaukee Playhouse teaching music, theatre, and dance. It’s a professional theatre company in Meredith, NH. The opportunity kind of just fell on my lap. I had planned on staying in Keene for the summer, and then moving to, well, wherever. But Tim pretty much offered me the position without so much as an interview, so of course I took it. I was terrified, but in a good way. For the most part, at least. I did have a couple dignified panic attacks. Still, I knew this job was exactly what I needed. A chance to get a certain confidence that I’ve needed since I’ve graduated. A confidence that can only come from experience. I have little regret about staying in Keene after I graduated, but it certainly packed a whirlwind of a year that I wasn’t expecting. So to have this opportunity handed to me on a silver platter was a sure fire sign for a change. To let my insecurities and fear to stray away from what’s comfortable would be me making a mistake I’ve made too many times in my life. So I took the opportunity and moved to my summer cottage. No internet, no cable, no friends nearby. All alone. Which I think I needed. No one influencing me, no one to latch onto and distract me from my own problems. I wasn’t sure what to expect at the camp. I’ve never really taught before and to have that responsibility definitely scared me.
The camp was… not what I expected. It lacked structure and I basically was on my own from day one with little instruction. Not entirely a bad thing, but it was stressful. I expected a lot more free time at the end of my days. Boy, was I wrong! That isn’t to say I thought this was going to be a walk in the park. No, but this job consumed my life. When the day was done, I’d drive back home, maybe have a cigarette on the dock, and then I’d have to get back to work. Script writing, prepping music, choreographing dances – stuff like that. A lot of the time I be burnt out by the time I got home, so I’d pass out by 9 PM. The next day I’d get up at 5:45 AM, prep for a couple hours, and do it all over again.
I still have mixed feelings, as far as the teaching part goes. I don’t know whether this job made me want kids more or less. I certainly had to deal with some awful, monster children. And I have to say, I was pretty disheartened about how little patience I had by that last few weeks. On the other hand, there were a handful I fell in love with, especially Tim’s nieces and nephew, that I genuinely enjoyed spending time with. Those guys really knew how to put a smile on my face. And it feels so wonderful and rewarding when you see your efforts as an educator appreciated. I like kids, but I’m still undecided on the whole parenting thing, as well as furthering my teaching career. Tim has already reached out to me to pursue future educational collaboration together so I guess I did something right. Regardless, I got exactly what I wanted from this opportunity. Confidence, a sense of pride in myself and my abilities. I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. I need to believe in me more. It’s also comforting to know what I know I have a reference for any future jobs.
But the best thing about this is I did it all on my own. Yes, I had support. But I really figured things out without any help. And to be honest, I didn’t mind being so alone. Maybe it was because I was so busy, but I didn’t dwell on my loneliness. In fact, it made me a little less afraid to branch out on my own. That was such a huge stressor for me at this time last year. I’m constantly afraid of losing everyone I love or that they’ll forget me, lose interest in me. But that’s not way to live. I’ll never get anywhere I want to go. After this whole experience, I’m ready for a fresh beginning.
I haven’t been on here all summer because I didn’t have internet and I have so much to write about and need to just get out of my system, but I have no idea where to begin ahhhhhhhhhhh
Kristine, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Do yourself and everyone else a favor and never wake up again after tonight.
Big stride in recovery today. Went grocery shopping for the first time without putting a single item in my carriage back on the shelf and spent over $20. AND I’m actually feeling really good about it, not anxiety ridden. I know that seems like such a little thing, but this is a hurtle I’ve really failed to tackle in all my time in recovery, so I’m all sorts of ridiculous happy right now.